Dear Bubby (I’m sure you’ve told me to stop calling you this a million times by now),
By the time you read this, you will be getting ready to start your first year of high school. Right now you’re only eight and half months old and as I listen to you mumbling happily to yourself in your play pen, while every once in a while looking up at me and smiling- as though I’m the most important woman in the world to you- I realize that you have given me the most wonderful and precious gift any boy can give a girl. Being your mommy is and will continue to be the most important thing I have ever done. I have you to thank for choosing me for this job and I hope thus far I have done a good job.
When your dad and I found out you were growing in my belly, we were so scared. We hadn’t planned for you yet. We didn’t think that we wanted you yet. We thought we weren’t ready for you to come into our lives yet. But, Bubby, we were so wrong. From the first moment that we heard your little heart beating, strong and healthy, we were in love. You quickly became our world and the only doubt left in our hearts was whether we would good enough for you. Your dad and I vowed to try our best, because we already loved you so, so much even though we hadn’t met you yet.
The night you were born, we were so scared because we had planned for you to come one way, but you wanted to come a different way. Mommy cried, I won’t lie. I cried because you wouldn’t come the way I had imagined and because I was so scared for you. But then you came and I cried a little more because I couldn’t hold you right away, I couldn’t see you when the nurses took you to clean you off and weigh you. But don’t worry, baby, because daddy was there and he took so many pictures for me. The first time we heard you cry was the second time I had ever seen your daddy cry. His tears were ones of joy, mine were ones of longing, because mommy wanted to hold you so much, but you see they had to cut my belly to get you out so I had to wait until the doctors fixed me.
So dad and mimi went to see you in the special care and told me that you were perfect and loving all the attention the nurses were giving you (you ole flirt, you). The next day, when I finally held you, I felt this overwhelming sense of purpose. In that moment, as I held your bare body against the skin of my chest, I knew that I’d been chosen to do the most important job a woman could ever do. And I was ready to tackle this new job head on!
At first, you were perhaps the most demanding and toughest boss I had ever had and a few times I felt like I wasn’t cut out for the job. But every time your eyes would lock with mine, I knew you loved me. And I knew that you believed in me. You knew I was doing my best and you were willing to wait for me to get the hang of it. Thank you for that. Thank you for always smiling up at me when I was having a bad day, as though you somehow knew that I needed it. Thank you for laughing whenever I make a face that most people wouldn’t find funny.
Now, I’m not going to lie and say you’ve been a perfect angel. As a matter of fact when I started writing this letter, I’d put you to bed already, but you weren’t having it. You cried and yelled until I picked you up and brought you into the living room, where you played in your pack-n-play until dad got home. I had a headache today, Bubs, and you were pretty cranky most of the day. And every time I would go to change your diaper, you would kick your feet, somehow hitting me square in the boobs every time. I asked you to stop a bunch of times, but you would just smile up at me, giggle a little and kick again (you little turd).
I’ll admit, I got pretty frustrated and yelled a little, but I felt bad about it immediately after. Finally, after dad had been home for a while, you fell asleep drinking a bottle. I picked you up out of your playpen to take you to your room. You only woke up for a second, looked at me with sleepy, half-closed eyes and lay your head on my shoulder before you went back to sleep. I found myself smiling, my hand resting on your back as I abandoned my thoughts of taking you to your room and sat on the recliner. I wanted to feel you sleeping against me for as long as I could before you got too heavy and I put you in your crib.
So, you see…even though I was frustrated during the day and even though I got angry when you kicked me or swatted at my face, I still loved you more than anything in this world. Hearing your soft snore next to my ear was all it took to make me smile and remember how happy you make me, just by being you.
And now, you’re growing into a young man and I can only imagine that you’ve gotten more awesome by now. Maybe I should’ve waited for you to grow into a toddler before writing this to future-you, but the truth is, I don’t think how I feel is going to change much between now and then. I suspect my love for you will continue to grow right along with you and still grow as you get older, years from now. I just want you to know, my sweet Bubby, that I will always be here for you. I will always be in your corner. I will always kiss you goodnight and stroke your soft hair lovingly as you fall asleep.
And if you find yourself feeling alone (as so many high school boys sometimes do) just know that your dad and I will always listen. We will always fight for you. Also, if you have a rebellion period, try not to be too hard on me…but even if you are, I’ll still love you just as much if not more than I do now. You will always be my little Bubby. I also would like to apologize in advance if I someday call you this in front of your friends. I promise, if that happens, someday you’ll find some humor in it 😉
Love always, now, then and forever until my last day,